Nobody Made You Do a Got. Damned. Thing Taylor

I’m like a week late watching Taylor Swiftless snitch on herself I know, I know. But I love myself a lot so why would I be in a rush to watch this bullshit? It’s eternally #TeamSelfCare all day ’round here bruh.

Before I begin this flame session, for all my masochists outchea you can watch this dumpster fire here… but I promise you family. You are better off saving the four minutes and sixteen seconds of your life. Don’t look at me like that when I’m only lookin out for you. One day you’ll be thinking bout these seconds on ya deathbed don’t play. I myself wish I could get that time back but I watched it so you specifically wouldn’t have too. You could use those precious minutes to donate to Hurricane Harvey relief, watch some old Beyonce’ concert footage, or treat yoself to a couple of @lalasizahands89 videos.

Now I know y’all said the Look What You Made Me Do video was terrible … but GOT. damned. You ever need to see some shit to believe it? Dass me right now. People love to drag folks these days for anything so I didn’t wanna hop on that bandwagon, but nah son. By all means, Swiftless earned this one. Her blonde white girl privilege allows her to roam freely within a white supremacist society so she don’t gotta work too hard, but she inadvertently put the work in for this dragging. Particularly drag this bitch ’til winter comes for the sake of the culture.

One does not simply get caught lying on a Black man while being a white woman and still somehow try to play the victim in the wake of so much evidence over a year later. White people gotta be stopped & Swiftless is flagrantly one a them. Taylor Swiftless is the reigning Lady of House White Feminist. Even if it’s one step at a time they gotta. be. stopped. Slow motion better than no motion. So Black folks & White allies blessed with the hands of Colleen Dag & everyone else in between:

Drag her like the Dothraki did that bitchass Wineseller that almost poisoned our Khaleesi.

Drag her like that fuck nigga from Diary of a Mad Black Woman did Kimberly Elise when he threw her out the cribbo while that homewrecking light-skinned bitch watched.

Drag her like the kidnappers did Liam Neeson’s daughter in Taken.

Pero like…I have to break this whole music video down fam. Oh this gunna be a thorough dragging if I do say so myself. I have to reach into my film school knowledge for this one rightchea. Just like Khaleesi promised that handful of Dothraki back in season one, I promise you. This will be well worth it if you stay until the very end. If you don’t understand these references because you somehow made it all the way to two-thousand-and-seventeen without blessing yourself by watching Game of Thrones, then I’m not sure if I want you here anyway…fuck is you doing.

This music video would’ve gone viral had this been less-woke 2010. It was back to back fuck shit, and initially I was overwhelmed with both laughter and true shock. That shit ain’t happened to me since Kanye West’s Bound 2 video featuring the white girl he left us all for, but at least the song itself was decent. He had me thinking the old Kanye was back for a second there. Now that I’m thinking about it, I take that back. Bound 2 was funny, but I wasn’t truly shocked. I’ve been a seasoned Kanye West fan since 2004. Nothing from that nigga can shock me at this point. He sold confederate flags on his last tour and actually took a pic with Darth Trump after he stole the 2016 election. Even Jay-Z’s not fuckin wit him but he still considers him family. I feel you Jigga. Kanye’s like that problematic cousin that hid the gun I used when I was in high school. And if he didn’t, I would’ve never gone to college and became somebody, but because he stayed too real he himself went off the rails cuz life just got too real. But we on Swiftless’ ass not my mans…

OK, I’m goin in.

The video starts off looking like we’re flying over where you’d think Voldemort supporters would meet up to plan attacks and hate hard on my boy Harry Potter. Then Swiftless thinks she’s slick with this big ass “TS” symbol that ends up being seen way too many times throughout this video. Then we reach a cemetery, and for a halfa second I pray this is alla big joke & that Michael Jackson’s zombies are about to come out and actually serve me my life with that one-two step like actual icons tend to do. But nah. We close up on a grave stating, “Here lies TAYLOR SWIFT’S REPUTATION” and I’m thinking YOU DAMNED RIGHT. Ain’t no parodying when shit is real. Now here comes Swiftless coming out the grave with no makeup on, terrifying me with her elementary lyricism.

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Then Swiftless has the whole Darth Becky ass nerve to sit. on a throne. of actual snakes. Like it’s too easy. You quite literally did this to yourself. Visuals and all. Tay Tay tried to finesse us by reclaiming the title of “snake” the way Black people reclaimed “nigga” but no sis, nah. That’s our word now, both of them. That’s like me sitting on a throne of apes as an attempt to clapback at Trump supporters with terminal Twitter fingers. Like never did she have a snake pouring tea for her. You thought that shit was cute? You thought somebody was gunna watch and tweet “Damn. Say what you want about TS but your fave could nvr have a reptile serving them tea bitch #BaddestBitchOfAllTime #GOAT” Wheredeydodatat?

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Plus I was genuinely confused as to why Swiftless crashed a golden Maserati so I had to look it up because hell no I’m not familiar with her work, I love myself remember that. According to Swiftless’ stans it’s a reference to her ex from her Red album + the Grammy snub from that year, where the lyrics from her album states:

“Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street”

Okay… (in my Jay-Z voice from The Story of O.J.)

Her undeserved two-time Album of the Year winning ass can call Beyonce’ in case she really wanna hear about actual snubs. The fact of the matter is that this car crashes out of nowhere & if this is in fact referencing her ex I wonder what the fuck this has to do with ANY THING.  Are you going after everybody who’s wronged you still? Ain’t that what you been doing since I met cho ass? Then what is so unique about this single? About this video? This album? Ugh. GIRL. I’m super tired. As she crashes, Swiftless keeps telling us with absolutely no braggadocio:

“look what you made do. look what you made me do oo oo. look you just made me ooo…”

Bitch, if you don’t hire a writer that graduated from high school.

Lord, we pray to the #HookGod Nate Dogg, and ask for him for his guidance during these dark ass times. 

Apparently the crash was just a setup for Swiftless to hang off the driver’s seat in 00’s couture that would surely make Miranda Priestly bristle and consider retirement. I can just hear her now: “Looking unbothered in animal print fur with blackout shades in a Maserati? How original..”  

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And of course there’s paparazzi. THERE HAS TO BE PAPS FAM CUS SHE’S JUST TOO LIT FOR US PLEBEIANS. The cameras flashing caused the crash & now she must be fierce in its aftermath. Look what you made her do! Again, what does this represent? What did we make her do?! I’m still tryna look under the couch for a clue.

Cut to a shot of Swiftless in said car holding an unearned Album of the Year Grammy to remind you hoes that white privilege can get you mighty far in America. I’m talking outer space. Throw a cheetah in there for good measure, Swiftless could be wearing his sister for all she gives a fuck but it’s FAUX FIERCE DAHLING. Again, pet cheetah? Josephine did it better. I appreciate that Swiftless is sustainable because recycling is important. Mind you we are only a minute and change into this white feminist safe space.

In the next scene, Swiftless is swinging in a golden cage. I took that as po’ lil Tay Tay being trapped on a pedestal within a luxurious cell which tends to be a common motif for the white feminist. Finally, a scene where I can extract some form of symbolism even if it’s not original. It also wasn’t lost on me that the cage was surrounded by what seems to be white men as she sings:

“I don’t like your kingdom keys
They once belonged to me”

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OH SO WE’RE GOING FULL WHITE WOMAN. Don’t forget she’s blatantly taking shots at Kanye West and this line right here nicca?! Suggests this Black man “took” her rightful place wherever the fuck that was at and she wants it back now! Cue the pouty emoji. She might as well be singing:

“Save. me. white. patri. iar. ar. chy.” Fuckouttahere.

And to show Daddy & the Blacks™ that she’s a real bad girl she proceeds to loot a bank while swinging a gold bat because we must never evereverevereverEVAH forget that she is very rich, bitch. She just stealing cuz its fun fam. Then we see Swiftless wearing all black on a motorcycle. It’s as if Swiftless just googled 101 Ways to Look Like A “Bad” Girl. 

Now this next scene, personally, is what my own nightmares are made of. I know Swiftless thinks she’s the Captain of a league of bad bitches but all I saw was an army Darth Beckys ready to crash the Apple Care website. All I saw was white women ready to dial 911 with the speed and concentration of Bruce Lee upon the sight of Black people having a good time. All I saw were Beckys taking up space like a Starbucks opening on Fulton Street. And yes I did catch the one Stacey Dash there and? Please believe I am very aware of the chocolate dipped Barbies in my community and I pray for them erryday. I know we gotta survive in a white supremacist society by any means necessary but you never go full Becky sis. Again I digress…

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I have a question, why is the League of Extraordinary White Women artificial? Is it because  y’all are fake bitches? I guarantee that was not the point she was trying to convey but you laying on a pile of manufactured white women Swiftless. What are you doing? What does this shit all mean?! How does one drag themselves so…Swiftly? All in the attempt to show the world that you don’t really give a fuck by expressly dedicating time and millions of dollars that prove how much you actually do give a fuck about what we say, think, and feel about you Taylor.

Chuh.

This music video is long AF bruh but we half way there y’all. I’m about to write an angry letter to Tidal and demand that I get $4.00 off my next month’s subscription fee for the time I lost on this bullshit. Wait…

My God…

…That is the most white womanest shit I have ever thought of. If I didn’t know any better I’d think this video is conditioning me… Lemmie hurry up before I get stuck in this video-induced sunken place…

Alright so now here’s the creme de la creme of the fuckshit: the gay scene. Swiftless straight up USES the gayfolk! Because of CAWWWSE they adore Lil Tay Tay look at how they run behind her as she enters the room, they live to serve her dahling! YASSS QUEEN BEE! Use that quill & paper on these bitches they must take notes hunty! Grab the FAN she’s just too FIERCE!  Line up girls but only according to color because when this beats drops we are SEGREGATING! [Insert additional LGBT+ terminology here] Ugh kill it with fire!

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I rolled my eyes so goddamn hard I had to tell myself to chill cuz I can’t afford a new glasses prescription. This bitch nearly made me even more near-sighted. I thought the point of this video was to show that Swiftless didn’t care that people hated her and that  she’s killing off her old corny self but Tay Tay. You turn around and have your color-coded gay backup dancers rocking ‘I ❤️ TS’ crop tops? Which one is it? Are you parodying the vitriol you’ve been experiencing or are you celebrating yourself?

And goddamn it Todrick Hall. You doing this is like me twerking for Miley Cyrus with a ten-pound bear strapped on my ass. I’ma let you live, but you lowkey on notice.

For some strange reason Swiftless is atop the wing of a (you guessed it!) golden jet with a chainsaw and commences to cut the wing off the plane. Do you peep the continuous accidental motif of “What the fuck is this supposed to convey?” All I’ve gathered from this video is that she may actually just be a gremlin. You saw how that gremlin fucked up that plane in the Twilight Zone movie. Is that all Look What You Made Do is? The rich white version of Gremlins? Because if Kanye never fed Swiftless attention then we wouldn’t be here. And apparently her belly ain’t full cuz the next scene depicts Swiftless standing on a mound of people clawing & vying for her as she looks ahead with a big ass blue T behind her. Smh, if that ain’t the clearest representative of Look At What WE Did then I don’t know what is.

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When she said:

“I don’t trust nobody and nobody trusts me
I’ll be the actress starring in your bad dreams”

Over and the fuck over again I gotta say that’s the realest shit I heard today if I stop talking. Like I get it, you think the small world that you’re used too is against you and now you gotta go full Madonna post-prime, but the issue is that this is literal. If I call Young Metro you in trouble. We all don’t trust you. And if ever there was a casting call for Natsai’s Bad Dreams yes, yes, you would be on that line. Again, I did not notice that Swiftless disappeared after Kim Kardashian did one thing right with her white woman privilege and exposed you as the wannabe Regina George that you are. But here you are, accosting me with pathetic recycled visuals. I can’t wait to wake up.

I wasn’t paying close enough attention earlier before I realized that the people Swiftless is standing on were her former selves. This is some narcissistic shit! No wonder her and Yeezy beef heavy. But if you ask me she takes the cake. She narcissistic without the any of the charm but all of the privilege bro. Now here she goes falling and shit. The Beckys come tumbling down and we see Taylor run that corny ass line:

“I’m sorry, the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now.”
“Why?”
“Oh, ’cause she’s dead!” (ohh!)

Close up on Swiftless 2.0 rocking snake ring charms and shit because she swears she’s that bitch. See she a mothafuckin monsta now no Minaj. You don’t peep that Starbucks-deficient zombie screaming at the camera? Shit is real.

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Now, what not only had to be the longest part of the shoot day but probably the LONGEST part of the pre-production phase, here comes Swiftless 2.0 with the Chris Breezy moves. I know the editor had to get their money’s worth to make this look good when cut together fam. Homie had to use all their degrees to pull this one off. I know the choreographer had to have the patience of a Buddhist. I know the director was paid very well to make sure Swiftless took all the scenes she needed too before they captured the best of the mediocre she had to offer. During this whole scene she’s singing this trash ass chorus and I’m thinking, “I know I deserve a lot of things, but I swear to God I didn’t deserve this.” Nobody was asking for this. What did WE do to make you do this beside hold you accountable for lying? This is sinister. Swiftless gotta be the descendant of a Lannister.

And take this whole faux Formation act and try again muddafugga (in my best Michael Blackson voice). Copying the Queen wasn’t your first mistake with this video but it was certainly your biggest. Stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used too and steal something from Joni Mitchell instead. Anything that doesn’t involve movement. The director is shady as fuck for closing up on your non-existent hips knowing that as hard as you tried you only looked like a mild vibration. Especially in comparison to Queen Bey. Todrick was on her right giving me more life in that shot and you supposed to be the star. I could see where everybody else’s thighs ended and hips began except Swiftless’.

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Why she shaped like an upside down “Y”

Swiftless discovered the Book of Cliches, blew the dust off the cover, and read it page for page cuz we all know a badass music video ain’t complete without an explosion (with TS symbols again) and sitting in a room fulla money. But the one thing I can say about Swiftless that’s original about her is her corniness. Because who else thinks it’d be super cool to pick up not one but two motorcycles with each hand? Her Pennsylvanian ass. Imagine having to storyboard this! Then she goes on to continue to deface this jet with pink graffiti cuz you know it’s her duty and honor to give a nod to Girl Power™.

Come to find out she’s been spray painting the name of her unanticipated album, Reputation. The hangar lights come on and it’s a line of Swiftlesses from all of her eras. Side note: Do you remember when Beyonce’ did this shit for that Pepsi commercial as she danced in the mirror to Grown Woman? Life. Gotten.

I’m sorry, it’s just so hard to focus when you know more talented/iconic people have already done this *cough* better.

Anyways, we hear the recording of cheering and the Swiftless You Belong With Me version who took Beyonce’s rightful Video of the Year VMA for Single Ladies that caused this whole shit to go down in the first place is doing that fake-shocked look that we all knew was always staged. And then the other Swiftless calls Zombie Swiftless a bitch and her white feminism kicks into high gear and demands that she not be called that. Like, this shit was only funny because she was so serious. You can tell she’s not somebody who tells jokes nor is naturally funny. How you gunna be abrasive to yourself cuz? You tryna poke fun at yourself but the tone was a dub; you take yourself too seriously and it shows. It showed throughout this whole damn video.

Swifltess calls herself fake & the Swiftless with the guitar starts to fake cry, which was so unbelievable. Not because the fake crying came off like she’s fraudulent (shit we know), it just proves that her acting is trash. Then Swiftless with the snake hisses, then Car Crash Swiftless wants a selfie/receipts, and then VMA Swiftless has the audacity to repeat that “I would like to be excluded from this narrative,” bullshit she said last year and they all yell shut up.

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But no deadass. Shut up Taylor. Because I don’t think you get it girl. You created that narrative when you lied. You ain’t owning up to nothing with this video nor did you poke fun at yourself as a sign of humility.  There was no atonement here. All you did was confirm and accept your mean girl status. But nobody is Regina George forever not even Regina George. A point comes when you gotta grow the fuck up.

You shoulda took a page outta ya arch nemesis’ book and just ignored that scandal altogether and dropped some hot shit on the people instead. We’re fickle like that. I didn’t even remember all this drama from last year (being that we got bigger shit to deal with like Trump and the rise of fascism) til you brought this dumb shit back from the dead. You’re relevancy should be based on your ability to make great music and visuals that pushes the culture forward, not on maintaining played out beefs bruh. But hey, I guess that’s how the game goes when you lack actual talent. Eventually we all see the fact that you cannot sustain yourself on your own and that in truth, you’re a gimmick. You’re just here to pay the system’s bills. Hey Miley. Hey Katy.

Like I wasn’t fuckin with post-Yeezus Kanye ADALL and I’m still not but he had the black ass nerve to drop The Life of Saint Pablo and remind us all who the fuck he was. Yes, my dude is deep up in the sunken place but you can’t say shit when it comes to his music or his contributions to the culture. His flare for drama is the bonus, not the staple. He’s proof that if you’re gunna commit to being a dickhead you better be consistent with the hits fam. You can’t make a bad song AND a poorly executed music video and expect the industry to bow at your feet. Even that white girl privilege has its limits.

What was the purpose of the video for Look What You Made Me Do guys? I’m sure you can look up a dozen sites that reached harder than Stretch Armstrong to find the symbolism in this bullshit but I am not the one. There were so many shots featuring empty symbolism that the only takeaway I got from this was that Swiftless was deep up in her feelings and pretended like she wasn’t on some childish shit. If ever there was a white sunken place she’s not only  in it but bought most of the property and is probably starting to gentrify the part Georgina’s still  stuck in because #AllBrainwashingMatters.

All Swiftless did was desperately cling on to her fading status in today’s culture by trying to terribly reenact every “cool” trope of the past twenty years and condense it into a four-minute cry for attention. And we know the system’s searching for a new Swiftless as we speak. And a new Miley. And a new Katy. And they know too, that’s why they’re all jumping the shark hardbody. Because the music industry sustains itself by recycling the trash that we’re used too. And every single time these white girls think they’re so special. If only there was a support group for the Has Been Beckys. Sheeit if they don’t know they betta ask somebody. Call up Kelly Clarkson. I’m sure she’ll tell you the transition to irrelevancy ain’t so bad ladies. Stop the foolishness.

Can you imagine…

Swiftless wrote this song, then hired a producer and engineer whom spent nights in the studio, then got a creative team to storyboard this music video & secure its funding, then hired crew & talent (PLUS animals!), organized that shit, came up with & practiced choreography endlessly, had mad people including herself show up for probably 12+ hour days to shoot this damn thing, made it rain in post production, & then utilized an exPENsive marketing team to get this shit out to the right outlets! Only for this burn-book-on-video to premiere at MTV’s most lowest-rated VMA’s of. all. time. Funny how things come full circle. If that’s not karma at work then call me Ivanka. 

This bitch did ALLA DAT just for us to pay her dust. Hoomygod. She is carrying a golden L shipped directly from Kanye Kardashian headquarters. And there is still a whole album coming…Jesus be Black Twitter when that day arrives.

Taylor, look what you made me do.

 

 

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