I’m Surrounded By Hoes

I just want a man who knows his worth. There’s so many hoes out here.  I don’t want men who are just freely give their dick away while demanding the benefits of a husband. I don’t respect them and in no way do I wish to burden my life with them.

When it comes to my last situation I admit that I made a fool out of myself. To my disbelief, I fell in love with a hoe. I don’t think men have any idea what they want anymore. They want to be fucked and adored. They want to be taken care of. They want to be treated kindly.

They want to rent relationships so they can have their cake and eat it too. They merely want a trial period love affair so they can still be hoes. These hoes are mostly hurt souls longing for a connection but too afraid and unwilling to do the work with women who have proven their worth. They initially present themselves as level-headed men but give it a few weeks or months and I end up with my precious time wasted. And what’s worse is having to face a world that always blames me.

Why did you pick him? Why didn’t you see the signs? They ask. Did you act like a lady but think like a man? Do you love yourself? Because if you did you wouldn’t attract these men…

Nobody holds these hoes accountable for their actions. They run off scot-free while I must somehow have to explain myself while mending a broken heart and fractured ego. Despite him saying that he loved me, he too essentially only ended up having dick to offer – for me and everybody. I think the worst part about these hoes is their lack of honor. Their words – even their actions! – truly mean nothing.

I am so tired of swiping right. Men have become flash cards. One dimensional dick pics. Small talk. With one click, I can block out their entire existence. And just because dick is superfluous out here doesn’t even mean it’s all good. Dick is mostly boring. More than disappointment I am just so bored. I want foreplay. I want to be teased. I want my body rubbed in oil and to be played with and kissed all over. I want somebody who will make me want them more than anything. I’m not getting that with these microwaveable hoes. 

I truly want to be in love primarily so I can finally have some great sex – the fucking I deserve. That’s really the driving factor as to why I even want a relationship: To achieve real intimacy with someone. I can’t have unapologetic sexual encounters with a hoe. We can’t explore our sexuality together without them being selfish or without pretenses. In these casual hookups there is always an ego. I’m so tired of these unworthy hoes and their egos. I don’t want anybody who’s racing to get to their nut first. I’m not a blow up doll. I’m a real fucking person.

I’m just so tired of hurt men bothering me. Even with my vetting process these hoes seem to adapt. Why can’t I find someone brave? If I’m so brave – people say I’m brave – then why don’t I attract brave men? Everybody acts like it’s all about who you attract but that’s not true. Because there’s too many good women out here with the same story as me. I put myself out there every fucking time and I get played every time. I get my heart broken every time and I just still keep coming back. Why?

Why can’t I find somebody for me? As my loneliness grows it feels as if no one truly wants to invest in me, they just want to scatch an itch. And I’m beginning to feel like this is just gunna be what it is. Because I can’t settle either. I can’t. I don’t want any more “works in progress” ass hoes. I don’t want anybody with potential. I don’t anybody with fucking emotional baggage. I don’t want to be anybody’s fucking therapist. What do I get out of it but a weary heart and nothing to show for it?

And not to suggest that I am perfect and have all of my shit together but I try. Why can’t I find anybody who tries? Why do I always only find selfish ones? Why is everybody so selfish now? With this last guy I realized how much I truly enjoyed making someone I cared about feel special. How much I enjoyed cooking, running errands, doing housework, lazing about together – being reciprocal in the bedroom. I was as honest about my state of mind as possible and was totally transparent. But as much as I matured since my last relationship, and as willing as he was to accept my heart and generosity, he broke my heart for no reason other than him wanting quantity over quality. And in the wake of this, I’m having trouble trusting my intuition.

Despite my transparency, I still feel like a fucking idiot. I fell in love with a hoe – is that how desperate I’ve become? Luckily I’m out of that illusion now but I’m just sad that there’s nobody else. I’m sad that I don’t have better options. It feels like everybody is playing the same game and I’m tired of it. I’m surrounded by hoes. It’s sad. I’m sad for myself. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll be loved at all. Am I the only one left with this audacious notion that true love exists? Or am I a fool to exploit until there’s nothing left of me?

“Gamble everything for love, if you are a true human being. If not, leave this gathering. Half-heartedness doesn’t reach into majesty.” – Rumi

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