Have You Ever Got Thru A Storm & Went APESHIT?

I’m not even gunna bullshit y’all. I’ve been dealing with depression for the past two months and I’ve recently been coming out of it. 

I had an epiphany this past week during my visit back home to New York.  I always knew that although I’m eloquent and can hold interesting conversations, I can’t seem to express my emotions. Especially not in my time of need or darkest hour. Instead I just disappear. I put on a face, I post funny shit online and that’s that. Everything is fine.

But I’ve had to face a series of uncomfortable truths about myself in these past weeks. I had to battle the pressure of my need to be perfect. Like it’s literally the definition of my name. Natsai means “towards perfection” I shit you not.

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I’m Surrounded By Hoes

I just want a man who knows his worth. There’s so many hoes out here.  I don’t want men who are just freely give their dick away while demanding the benefits of a husband. I don’t respect them and in no way do I wish to burden my life with them.

When it comes to my last situation I admit that I made a fool out of myself. To my disbelief, I fell in love with a hoe. I don’t think men have any idea what they want anymore. They want to be fucked and adored. They want to be taken care of. They want to be treated kindly.

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On This Valentine’s Day, I Am Enough.

“It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self love deficit.” – Eartha Kitt 

07

Last year on Valentine’s Day 2017, I found myself giving into the season and longing for love and I just was not comfortable with that feeling. I made it a mission to make myself more vulnerable and available to dating…but only met duds. Then I realized something. They mostly wanted me to come into their lives and somehow fix what was broken inside of them long before I stepped into the picture.

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Doubt

I know I’m a good writer but I feel like I’m going to be the cause of my own demise. This medium takes discipline, something I don’t have. As soon as I think that I’ve finally gained stride and conquered my habit of being inconsistent here I am again. Weeks and months without any body of writing. I fear failure so much that I might just create a self fulfilling prophecy. Don’t choke, a part of me tells myself, the part of me that’s saved my life too many times to count. I never officially give up but God am I tired of being at square one over and over again. I should have been further then where I am by now. I should have multiple scripts and manuscripts and short stories and essays by now. It’s all backed up in my mind.

When on Earth will I move forward without stopping? What more must I lose? I’ve lost the job I thought would be the foundational mortar for my career. I’ve lost the home I thought I’d always return too when the world grew too cold. I’ve lost the relationship that everyone considers to be the greatest of all; the one between mother and child. I’m living on my final few hundred dollars as I make the best of my brother’s charity on his couch.

I’m so full of doubt.

All I have is my writing. It’s all I have now. Even with that I still find myself being…reluctant. Despite the confirmations I’ve received from prominent writers here I am, seemingly choking. Will I ever gain the tunnel vision necessary to conceive these illustrious tales that pollute my imagination? Everybody says success requires 10% talent and 90% hard work. If those are the odds then my God I’m fucked.

Same God, I’m trying. What I can say that I like about myself is that even when I go idle I cannot bear it for too long, not until the point of no return. I want to rip my skin open with my blunt fingers and offer my flesh raised high to the stars as my offering, my sacrifice, anything it takes to rid me of this doubt. I feel its roots deeply planted somewhere within my chest and the cosmos of my soul. I want to tear myself apart and rid myself of the poison within me. The lies I tell myself are crimes against my own spirit. I want to see it die before me. I believe it will, it has too. I recognize my blessings and know that it’s all up to me. Doubt won’t win, the world is depending on my visions. My people are waiting. The true battle of Heaven and Hell is happening within me and my God I swear it – I will come out shining.

Self Portrait One

 

self-portrait-1I don’t like people looking me in the eye.

I taught myself to focus on people’s noses and to only regain eye contact on occasion. My conversations are never long.

But I look at myself in mirrors more than what someone may consider usual to save mental hard copies of how I am in that space in time. I wonder who I am and how I’m perceived and if I’d ever look at myself and understand the reflection that looked back at me with identical wonder. Could I ever crack the code. 

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