I Did It, But Did I?

This has been the most contrasted few weeks of my goddamned life.

To hit a pinnacle moment career wise, but to also have to finally face my personal insecurities has been some complex shit. I’ve been wondering why I believe I’ll win an Oscar one day – and yet even with that kind of optimism I’ve never really believed I’ll ever achieve true love in my life.

I believe I’ll win an Oscar more than finding love.

And I’ve been entertaining men who fit that narrative. Men who I know have an increased chance of disappointing me. Emotionally unavailable men in their variations. Not because I like challenges and want to break them into liking me. I know these are people I don’t really want, I use them to pass time before the inevitable blowup. But why? I’m finally asking myself these questions.

I’m not someone that’s ever been okay blaming the world. I need to fix what I can control which is myself. Like Beyoncé I do want it all – the career, the credit, the life – but I do want love and a family too. After stepping foot into my dream job yesterday I thought, “What if I CAN have it all?”

What if I put my all into love as much as my career too? 😱 Romantic love yes, but all the loves too. Self love primarily. Although I deadass enjoy being Natsai something ain’t right. I be fuckin UP. Why? Because I feel like I don’t actually deserve to be loved and it is the wildest thing.

I know this flaw is the fuel for why I do what I do – ‘I’m worthy of y’alls love now because I’m a (enter title here) or I know (celeb name here) or I’ve been to (city name here).’ I turn my tragedies into vengeance – great for work! But personally? Not so much.

I’m at this point now where I’m done proving myself to people who lowkey don’t care. External validation fucked me. Professionally that worked in my favor. But when I just showed up with the mentality of I know wtf I’m talking about versus maybe this guy is right, I learned to be on my side. Why can’t I do this in my personal life though?

The funny thing is I thought I was. But when I was faced with what I’ve known I’ve wanted in my heart I sabotaged it. I had a choice but actively went against my own interests and suffered those consequences. It’s time for me to be self aware of this behavior and put a stop to it.

I have to know in my heart that I do deserve all the good things and to continue to be good to everyone around me. I have to listen to my heart even – no especially – when I’m terrified of what it’s telling me.

Because my happiness is on the other side of that fear.

Have You Ever Got Thru A Storm & Went APESHIT?

I’m not even gunna bullshit y’all. I’ve been dealing with depression for the past two months and I’ve recently been coming out of it. 

I had an epiphany this past week during my visit back home to New York.  I always knew that although I’m eloquent and can hold interesting conversations, I can’t seem to express my emotions. Especially not in my time of need or darkest hour. Instead I just disappear. I put on a face, I post funny shit online and that’s that. Everything is fine.

But I’ve had to face a series of uncomfortable truths about myself in these past weeks. I had to battle the pressure of my need to be perfect. Like it’s literally the definition of my name. Natsai means “towards perfection” I shit you not.

Continue reading “Have You Ever Got Thru A Storm & Went APESHIT?”

On This Valentine’s Day, I Am Enough.

“It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self love deficit.” – Eartha Kitt 

07

Last year on Valentine’s Day 2017, I found myself giving into the season and longing for love and I just was not comfortable with that feeling. I made it a mission to make myself more vulnerable and available to dating…but only met duds. Then I realized something. They mostly wanted me to come into their lives and somehow fix what was broken inside of them long before I stepped into the picture.

Continue reading “On This Valentine’s Day, I Am Enough.”

Nobody Made You Do a Got. Damned. Thing Taylor

I’m like a week late watching Taylor Swiftless snitch on herself I know, I know. But I love myself a lot so why would I be in a rush to watch this bullshit? It’s eternally #TeamSelfCare all day ’round here bruh.

Before I begin this flame session, for all my masochists outchea you can watch this dumpster fire here… but I promise you family. You are better off saving the four minutes and sixteen seconds of your life. Don’t look at me like that when I’m only lookin out for you. One day you’ll be thinking bout these seconds on ya deathbed don’t play. I myself wish I could get that time back but I watched it so you specifically wouldn’t have too. You could use those precious minutes to donate to Hurricane Harvey relief, watch some old Beyonce’ concert footage, or treat yoself to a couple of @lalasizahands89 videos.

Now I know y’all said the Look What You Made Me Do video was terrible … but GOT. damned. You ever need to see some shit to believe it? Dass me right now. People love to drag folks these days for anything so I didn’t wanna hop on that bandwagon, but nah son. By all means, Swiftless earned this one. Her blonde white girl privilege allows her to roam freely within a white supremacist society so she don’t gotta work too hard, but she inadvertently put the work in for this dragging. Particularly drag this bitch ’til winter comes for the sake of the culture.

Continue reading “Nobody Made You Do a Got. Damned. Thing Taylor”

WTF Is A #WhiteGirlsRock? 6 Reasons White Women Need to STFU And Let Us Have This

Black-Girls-Rock-Michelle-Obama2015

No seriously.

I remember seeing that bullshit last year and being just as disgusted as I am at this moment. I am truly disheartened that people have the audacity to bring it up again this year. Will this be an issue annually? Black women have extremely limited platforms to shine and we lack programs catered to us. For Black Girls Rock to get the kind of publicity it receives is an unparalleled accomplishment. But instead of some our white counterparts being a) happy for us and supportive or b) quiet, they turn the attention on them yet again. What else can you white women ask for? What else could you possibly want? Black women need to support each other because we live in a society that completely shuts us out. These are six reasons why black girls need institutions like Black Girls Rock and what these #WhiteGirlsRock supporters need to remember as fact:

Continue reading “WTF Is A #WhiteGirlsRock? 6 Reasons White Women Need to STFU And Let Us Have This”