On Finding the Link Back to Love

For a while now, I’ve been meditating on this question, “At which point/moment in my life did I feel the most safety? At which moment did I feel the most loved?”

The memory came back to me last night. For me, it was when I was a child laying on my mother’s chest. Hearing her heartbeat and her lungs inflate. Retiming my breaths so it could match hers. Feeling her laughter form from within while she was on the phone. Knowing that I’ll never feel rejection under her arm and bosom. A lot of resentment between then and now clouded my memories of love but since resolving those issues my child self has been returning. The love that only my spirit knows is becoming more comprehensible and it feels good.

I opened my eyes and said, “That – that is how I want to feel again. That’s what’s been missing.”

Just to close my eyes and know that I’m safe with someone. The world melts away, and it’s just me laying on your universe. But really, I’ve been doing this work not merely to attract love for myself but to pass on that legacy of being a state of peace for my own loved ones. It just feels like I’m accepting my mission more by the day and I’m really thankful.

Have You Ever Got Thru A Storm & Went APESHIT?

I’m not even gunna bullshit y’all. I’ve been dealing with depression for the past two months and I’ve recently been coming out of it. 

I had an epiphany this past week during my visit back home to New York.  I always knew that although I’m eloquent and can hold interesting conversations, I can’t seem to express my emotions. Especially not in my time of need or darkest hour. Instead I just disappear. I put on a face, I post funny shit online and that’s that. Everything is fine.

But I’ve had to face a series of uncomfortable truths about myself in these past weeks. I had to battle the pressure of my need to be perfect. Like it’s literally the definition of my name. Natsai means “towards perfection” I shit you not.

Continue reading “Have You Ever Got Thru A Storm & Went APESHIT?”