I Did It, But Did I?

This has been the most contrasted few weeks of my goddamned life.

To hit a pinnacle moment career wise, but to also have to finally face my personal insecurities has been some complex shit. I’ve been wondering why I believe I’ll win an Oscar one day – and yet even with that kind of optimism I’ve never really believed I’ll ever achieve true love in my life.

I believe I’ll win an Oscar more than finding love.

And I’ve been entertaining men who fit that narrative. Men who I know have an increased chance of disappointing me. Emotionally unavailable men in their variations. Not because I like challenges and want to break them into liking me. I know these are people I don’t really want, I use them to pass time before the inevitable blowup. But why? I’m finally asking myself these questions.

I’m not someone that’s ever been okay blaming the world. I need to fix what I can control which is myself. Like Beyoncé I do want it all – the career, the credit, the life – but I do want love and a family too. After stepping foot into my dream job yesterday I thought, “What if I CAN have it all?”

What if I put my all into love as much as my career too? 😱 Romantic love yes, but all the loves too. Self love primarily. Although I deadass enjoy being Natsai something ain’t right. I be fuckin UP. Why? Because I feel like I don’t actually deserve to be loved and it is the wildest thing.

I know this flaw is the fuel for why I do what I do – ‘I’m worthy of y’alls love now because I’m a (enter title here) or I know (celeb name here) or I’ve been to (city name here).’ I turn my tragedies into vengeance – great for work! But personally? Not so much.

I’m at this point now where I’m done proving myself to people who lowkey don’t care. External validation fucked me. Professionally that worked in my favor. But when I just showed up with the mentality of I know wtf I’m talking about versus maybe this guy is right, I learned to be on my side. Why can’t I do this in my personal life though?

The funny thing is I thought I was. But when I was faced with what I’ve known I’ve wanted in my heart I sabotaged it. I had a choice but actively went against my own interests and suffered those consequences. It’s time for me to be self aware of this behavior and put a stop to it.

I have to know in my heart that I do deserve all the good things and to continue to be good to everyone around me. I have to listen to my heart even – no especially – when I’m terrified of what it’s telling me.

Because my happiness is on the other side of that fear.

On Finding the Link Back to Love

For a while now, I’ve been meditating on this question, “At which point/moment in my life did I feel the most safety? At which moment did I feel the most loved?”

The memory came back to me last night. For me, it was when I was a child laying on my mother’s chest. Hearing her heartbeat and her lungs inflate. Retiming my breaths so it could match hers. Feeling her laughter form from within while she was on the phone. Knowing that I’ll never feel rejection under her arm and bosom. A lot of resentment between then and now clouded my memories of love but since resolving those issues my child self has been returning. The love that only my spirit knows is becoming more comprehensible and it feels good.

I opened my eyes and said, “That – that is how I want to feel again. That’s what’s been missing.”

Just to close my eyes and know that I’m safe with someone. The world melts away, and it’s just me laying on your universe. But really, I’ve been doing this work not merely to attract love for myself but to pass on that legacy of being a state of peace for my own loved ones. It just feels like I’m accepting my mission more by the day and I’m really thankful.

Rest In Peace, Stan Lee

This quote resonates with me because I’m filled with characters not yet realized. Sometimes I think the exact same thing, especially growing up with so many ppl in medicine whose children chose that or law or engineering.

For so long I thought I was useless because I excelled in nothing mathematic nor scientific. The only thing I did well was wonder. I wondered why people behaved the way they did. How did we end up here? What do other universes and stars and quasars look like?

I imagined alternate realities and wondered what if. There is nothing in our curriculum that overtly tells us that this way of thinking, of being, can sustain you – until I read the worlds Stan Lee created and the worlds of so many more writers. All of the fictional, and once considered benign, universes that shaped our culture for generations. The people who can’t give up on their visions, change the world.

Life depends on science but the arts make it worth living

– #RIPStanLee

The Aftermath of Kavanaugh

I, and so many, are currently walking with so much internalized rage due to the direction this country has taken because of the fact that we had a progressive black president. We live and function with so much rage.

I was borne into a world that told me we were Martin Luther King’s dream come true. That finally, after centuries of systemic torture, we lived in a post racial society. I was raised to believe that if you dream you can achieve. I believed in conviction. But this world today mocks my naïveté.

It’s hard living in a world that goes out of its way to negate my existence. It’s a silly world focused on trivial manners. It was all so simple once. Our ancestors were carefree. We don’t know what freedom is.

I have my own goals and dreams that’s hard enough to pull of in a stable society. I want to achieve my purpose and stay focused. But I wonder about the rebels of revolutions past…

They didn’t enter this world with overturning ruling classes as their goal. Their dream lives too were derailed due to conflicts out of their control. Eventually, they were forced to take action in the face of impossible odds.

People don’t fold to oppression, it’s against human nature. The moment comes when tides turn and empires are challenged. Tea ends up in harbors. Slave ships get taken over by its captives. Medieval fortresses get ran up on.

I do believe we are descending upon the horizon of a historic revolution. You can’t double down on centuries of injustice, greed, and unbridled hatred and think things will keep carrying on as is. I look forward to our grandchildren however, because it won’t be us.

We internalized the propaganda that this place is the greatest country on earth and can’t undo it. We think this system is efficient although historically it’s neglected and taken advantage of millions of lives and we don’t want to come to grips with that. We want our dreams and can’t unsee it or abandon it.

I’m no revolutionary. But I can’t deny that it’s coming because hope never folds. Not under any circumstances.

“When dictatorship is a fact, revolution becomes a right.” – Victor Hugo

(Still vote though!)

– Carefree Maroon

Utopia is African. You Will Want Us to Sit At Your Table.

Black-Panther-and-the-Magical-neighborhood-of-Wakanda-828x400

I just wanted to start off with…in a little over three weeks Black Panther has made over $1,000,000,000 and counting in the global box office. I’m weary of celebrating, but I’ll do my best… 

I am just sitting here thinking about how magnificent Black people are. I just read an article about a package explosion that killed two black people in Austin, Texas. And I’m just like, “Man we’ve got vigilantes killing us again?” Just like George Zimmerman, just like the Charleston mass shooter, and now we’re being bombed again? Again. Black people have been lynched, bombed, shot – on a state and federal level – imprisoned, drugged, just anything to get rid of us.

This country has done everything it could. And it astonishes me how we have not folded. We only keep rising. That is why I can’t believe Black Panther right now. It might be the only film that has made a billion dollars in under a month. That’s an authentically black film with black themes set in a black Utopia, also known as Wakanda. This dream undeferred. A dream I have been taught would never happen. We’re living in the impossible right now. What they said was impossible is happening. Even as this juggernaut is upon us and we live in this moment, we are still being kept down. We rise and we suffer simultaneously. 

Continue reading “Utopia is African. You Will Want Us to Sit At Your Table.”