For a while now, I’ve been meditating on this question, “At which point/moment in my life did I feel the most safety? At which moment did I feel the most loved?”
The memory came back to me last night. For me, it was when I was a child laying on my mother’s chest. Hearing her heartbeat and her lungs inflate. Retiming my breaths so it could match hers. Feeling her laughter form from within while she was on the phone. Knowing that I’ll never feel rejection under her arm and bosom. A lot of resentment between then and now clouded my memories of love but since resolving those issues my child self has been returning. The love that only my spirit knows is becoming more comprehensible and it feels good.
I opened my eyes and said, “That – that is how I want to feel again. That’s what’s been missing.”
Just to close my eyes and know that I’m safe with someone. The world melts away, and it’s just me laying on your universe. But really, I’ve been doing this work not merely to attract love for myself but to pass on that legacy of being a state of peace for my own loved ones. It just feels like I’m accepting my mission more by the day and I’m really thankful.
I just want a man who knows his worth. There’s so many hoes out here. I don’t want men who are just freely give their dick away while demanding the benefits of a husband. I don’t respect them and in no way do I wish to burden my life with them.
When it comes to my last situation I admit that I made a fool out of myself. To my disbelief, I fell in love with a hoe. I don’t think men have any idea what they want anymore. They want to be fucked and adored. They want to be taken care of. They want to be treated kindly.
Continue reading “I’m Surrounded By Hoes”
“It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self love deficit.” – Eartha Kitt
Last year on Valentine’s Day 2017, I found myself giving into the season and longing for love and I just was not comfortable with that feeling. I made it a mission to make myself more vulnerable and available to dating…but only met duds. Then I realized something. They mostly wanted me to come into their lives and somehow fix what was broken inside of them long before I stepped into the picture.
Continue reading “On This Valentine’s Day, I Am Enough.”
I recently re-watched Sex and the City and I gotta say that although it stands as a classic the show isn’t aging well. First of all I could go on about the fashion because HOLY SHIT. Remember back in the day when Carrie Bradshaw/Sarah Jessica Parker was hailed as a fashion icon? Maaan I was watching that shit cringing the whole time. But we can all agree that the 2000s will go down in history as one of the worse times for fashion and SATC couldn’t help but be a snapshot of those bleak ass times.
But that’s not why I’m here. I’m here today because as I watched this show I realized how much we romanticized Mr. Big and Carrie. Even the hood was fuckin wit it right down to Jay Z’s line in ’03 Bonnie & Clyde:
Only time we don’t speak is during “Sex and the City”
She gets Carrie fever, but soon as the show is over
She’s right back to being my soldier
I remember also yearning for the great love that Carrie aspired for. I remember the series finale when she said that line that fell right in tune with my teenage soul:
I’m someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love. And I don’t think that love is here in this expensive suite in this lovely hotel in Paris.
Continue reading “7 Reasons Why Mr. Big is the Fuckboy G.O.A.T.”