I Did It, But Did I?

This has been the most contrasted few weeks of my goddamned life.

To hit a pinnacle moment career wise, but to also have to finally face my personal insecurities has been some complex shit. I’ve been wondering why I believe I’ll win an Oscar one day – and yet even with that kind of optimism I’ve never really believed I’ll ever achieve true love in my life.

I believe I’ll win an Oscar more than finding love.

And I’ve been entertaining men who fit that narrative. Men who I know have an increased chance of disappointing me. Emotionally unavailable men in their variations. Not because I like challenges and want to break them into liking me. I know these are people I don’t really want, I use them to pass time before the inevitable blowup. But why? I’m finally asking myself these questions.

I’m not someone that’s ever been okay blaming the world. I need to fix what I can control which is myself. Like Beyoncé I do want it all – the career, the credit, the life – but I do want love and a family too. After stepping foot into my dream job yesterday I thought, “What if I CAN have it all?”

What if I put my all into love as much as my career too? 😱 Romantic love yes, but all the loves too. Self love primarily. Although I deadass enjoy being Natsai something ain’t right. I be fuckin UP. Why? Because I feel like I don’t actually deserve to be loved and it is the wildest thing.

I know this flaw is the fuel for why I do what I do – ‘I’m worthy of y’alls love now because I’m a (enter title here) or I know (celeb name here) or I’ve been to (city name here).’ I turn my tragedies into vengeance – great for work! But personally? Not so much.

I’m at this point now where I’m done proving myself to people who lowkey don’t care. External validation fucked me. Professionally that worked in my favor. But when I just showed up with the mentality of I know wtf I’m talking about versus maybe this guy is right, I learned to be on my side. Why can’t I do this in my personal life though?

The funny thing is I thought I was. But when I was faced with what I’ve known I’ve wanted in my heart I sabotaged it. I had a choice but actively went against my own interests and suffered those consequences. It’s time for me to be self aware of this behavior and put a stop to it.

I have to know in my heart that I do deserve all the good things and to continue to be good to everyone around me. I have to listen to my heart even – no especially – when I’m terrified of what it’s telling me.

Because my happiness is on the other side of that fear.

On This Valentine’s Day, I Am Enough.

“It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self love deficit.” – Eartha Kitt 

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Last year on Valentine’s Day 2017, I found myself giving into the season and longing for love and I just was not comfortable with that feeling. I made it a mission to make myself more vulnerable and available to dating…but only met duds. Then I realized something. They mostly wanted me to come into their lives and somehow fix what was broken inside of them long before I stepped into the picture.

Continue reading “On This Valentine’s Day, I Am Enough.”

Les Bohemes Part 1: Learning Self Love

Look at it. This is the majestic Madewood Plantation in Napoleonville, LA where I am staying for the five-day Les Bohemes retreat.

It’s only the second day and I am learning so much about how important it is to have love for yourself and your unique set of gifts. For so long I’ve been battling depression because I felt stuck. But not anymore.

“I am tired of grieving the person I did not become. The time is NOW to love the woman I am.” That’s what I wrote from the workshop led by Floetry’s own Natalie (below). Continue reading “Les Bohemes Part 1: Learning Self Love”