I Did It, But Did I?

This has been the most contrasted few weeks of my goddamned life.

To hit a pinnacle moment career wise, but to also have to finally face my personal insecurities has been some complex shit. I’ve been wondering why I believe I’ll win an Oscar one day – and yet even with that kind of optimism I’ve never really believed I’ll ever achieve true love in my life.

I believe I’ll win an Oscar more than finding love.

And I’ve been entertaining men who fit that narrative. Men who I know have an increased chance of disappointing me. Emotionally unavailable men in their variations. Not because I like challenges and want to break them into liking me. I know these are people I don’t really want, I use them to pass time before the inevitable blowup. But why? I’m finally asking myself these questions.

I’m not someone that’s ever been okay blaming the world. I need to fix what I can control which is myself. Like Beyoncé I do want it all – the career, the credit, the life – but I do want love and a family too. After stepping foot into my dream job yesterday I thought, “What if I CAN have it all?”

What if I put my all into love as much as my career too? 😱 Romantic love yes, but all the loves too. Self love primarily. Although I deadass enjoy being Natsai something ain’t right. I be fuckin UP. Why? Because I feel like I don’t actually deserve to be loved and it is the wildest thing.

I know this flaw is the fuel for why I do what I do – ‘I’m worthy of y’alls love now because I’m a (enter title here) or I know (celeb name here) or I’ve been to (city name here).’ I turn my tragedies into vengeance – great for work! But personally? Not so much.

I’m at this point now where I’m done proving myself to people who lowkey don’t care. External validation fucked me. Professionally that worked in my favor. But when I just showed up with the mentality of I know wtf I’m talking about versus maybe this guy is right, I learned to be on my side. Why can’t I do this in my personal life though?

The funny thing is I thought I was. But when I was faced with what I’ve known I’ve wanted in my heart I sabotaged it. I had a choice but actively went against my own interests and suffered those consequences. It’s time for me to be self aware of this behavior and put a stop to it.

I have to know in my heart that I do deserve all the good things and to continue to be good to everyone around me. I have to listen to my heart even – no especially – when I’m terrified of what it’s telling me.

Because my happiness is on the other side of that fear.

I’m Surrounded By Hoes

I just want a man who knows his worth. There’s so many hoes out here.  I don’t want men who are just freely give their dick away while demanding the benefits of a husband. I don’t respect them and in no way do I wish to burden my life with them.

When it comes to my last situation I admit that I made a fool out of myself. To my disbelief, I fell in love with a hoe. I don’t think men have any idea what they want anymore. They want to be fucked and adored. They want to be taken care of. They want to be treated kindly.

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The Barbecue Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Serena rolled her would-be engagement ring between her knuckles and palm. She examined the single round-cut diamond and gold band. I don’t know much about karats, she wondered to herself, but this is gorgeous. As soon as she heard Silas turn the shower off she dashed over to his suitcase and put the ring back in its box. On the night of the barbecue while Silas slept, Serena searched through his luggage for the ring. It wasn’t very well hidden which made Serena feel bad for looking because it meant he trusted her enough to know she wouldn’t do what she was doing. But Serena needed answers; it had been two days since the failed family gathering and Silas only kept to himself. Nothing she did was enough to get through to him; his ego was in deep recovery. I understand, Serena thought. But to cut me out like this is cruel. My parents are divorcing and he hasn’t even comforted me. Is that someone I want to spend the rest of my life with? So what if Daddy hurt his feelings? She grew angrier by the minute with these thoughts running through her head and unzipped Silas’ suitcase to take out the ring.

Continue reading “The Barbecue Chapter 2”